Attorney General Files Restraining Order Against Lawmaker’s Mustache

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said. 

  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

---

In other news, we're working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 

–  SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face 

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

“Them there's that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,” 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

   An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power, Bourbon

“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
 to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
 – Rep. Todd Hiett

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 

  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

  Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 

  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

  Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

  Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn't get a committee vote. Better luck next year. Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

• – Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors
• – Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter
• – Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day
• – Ronnie Kaye now older than God

Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governor’s Basement

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 

  Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of
State Finance, says his magical pimp hat
keeps his bitches in line during the
lengthy process of negotiation.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation. 

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer 

From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat. 

“The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham. 

“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.” 

Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps. 

“I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City, 

“and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’” 

  Meacham explained that, in the course of his work, it is often necessary to lay the smack down on punk bitches. “You got a problem, you can take it up with the hat,” he said. Punk-ass bitches have asked Gov. Brad Henry to restrain Meacham. However, following an assault by “the five fingers of progress,” Henry said he ain’t goin’ there again.

Hiett Calls For Resignation of Entire Democratic Party

Todd Hiett R-Kellyville

Citing the need to protect Oklahoma's children from improved health care and broader educational opportunities, House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, D-Kellyville, called for the resignation of Oklahoma's Democratic Party. 

"For too long, the Democratic Party has clogged the legislature with plans to extend health care to the poor, boost teacher salaries and provide drug rehabilitation programs for addicts. The resignation of the party is necessary to proceed with important business such as reforming workers compensation and absolving corporations of responsibility to consumers," 

   Hiett said in a Wednesday press conference. So far, Hiett has sought the resignations of 

• Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, 
• Senate President Pro Tempore Emeritus Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City and 
• Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne. 

 He also seeks the resignation of

• Oklahoma Insurance Commissioner Carroll Fisher, 
• Gov. Brad Henry, 
• two dogs and 
• fifteen cats thought to be opposed to tort reform. 

Hiett is expected to present the call for resignation to House Speak Larry Adair, D-Stillwell, who is expected to flip him the bird.

Governor ‘Doing Well’ Following Spine-Removal Surgery

   Valentine's Day took more commitment this year, so we missed a copy deadline. Here are the stories we should have had ready for print, but didn't...

– Even Nashoba lawmaker doesn’t know where the hell Nashoba is

– Obese kids, hungry cows: State crisis solves itself

– Senator calls for special session to finish farewell speech

– Governor ‘doing well’ following spine-removal surgery

– Cain collapses from bleeding heart

Stipe Escapes House Arrest

Police urge caution; 

Former senator last seen making illegal campaign contributions south of McAlester

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter:

  Former senator and convicted felon Gene Stipe escaped from house arrest on Monday, slipping out the back door while his wife was watching daytime TV. Stipe’s checkbook was also missing, which concerns authorities.

 “As of right now, we believe the fugitive to be hiding somewhere in the McAlester area,”

 said Pittsburg County sheriff Jerome Amaranto. “We’re concerned that he might try to funnel illegal donations into a city council race, or possibly contribute to the campaign coffers of Mike Mass.”

   In January, Stipe was sentenced for perjury, conspiracy to obstruct a Federal Election Commission investigation and conspiracy to violate the Federal Election Campaign Act. During the sentencing process, which was delayed six times, many sought jail time for the 77-year-old lawmaker. An exception was Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, who recommended castration.

Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.

   Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae, 

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.” 

  Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

 “Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

 said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

Lincoln Street Hookers Pushing For Longer Legislative Session

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session. 

  “The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,”  said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

 “This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.” 

  Cummings said the union is pushing for a constitutional amendment to extend the legislative session through the end of July.

Mandated Breast-feeding

As Will Rogers once said; "My jokes don't harm anyone, but when congress writes a joke, it becomes a law!"
Stay tune for our upcoming reports on these stories...

– Thanks to scrivener’s error, public breast-feeding now required by law

–  Inhofe signs lucrative sponsorship deal with douchebag manufacturer

Trial Lawyers Seen Twirling Mustaches, Tying Women To Railroad Tracks

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” 

  After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City.

   With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.”

  Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

   At press time, some had even resumed covering themselves in goat’s blood and sacrificing chickens to Baal.

 “Thank goodness we have a governor who fights for the people, not millionaire special interests,”

 said Taylor, himself a millionaire trial lawyer who was especially interested in the legislation. “I haven’t had time to kill a kitten in months.”

Senate Celebrates ‘Penny Williams Awareness Day’

Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. 

  “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche.

   Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler. 

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill."

God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks

By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter

   If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa. 

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.” 

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

   “Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,” 

he said. “What’s with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus 19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton blends. What’s up with that?”

   In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in the Oklahoma Constitution. A reprieve from tornadoes backs up Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban would help economic development in Oklahoma. 

  Democrats had previously disputed that argument based on the fact that it made no friggin’ sense. Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath would drive down insurance prices which, along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will function as a panacea for the troubled state. 

  “If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,” 

Williamson said. So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts with a standard-of-living and per-capita income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy, obesity and suicide.

Bob Anthony Survives Mount Doom

  We're suffering the ravages of holiday party circuit. That means we have more juicy stories to track down and too much eggnog weighing us down.

   Here's just a few of our possible stories for next week...

– Perverted lawmaker sad to learn real definition of ‘animal husbandry’ 

– Sen. Herb Rozell has your term limits right here, buddy

– Turpen eats Hargis 

– Bob Anthony plunges into fires of Mount Doom following scuffle with hobbit. Whereabouts of ‘Precious’ unknown

 – Boren announces fundraising drive to expand campus, build mind-control space laser 

– With SR19, Sen. Nichols appeals to Washington Lady Warriors Class 2A Girls Basketball State Champions demographic

Freaky-ass Buffalo Statues Best Viewed on Ecstasy

Above: One of Oklahoma’s City’s new
“Spirit of the Buffalo” statues that is freaking awesome
when you’re totally out of your skull, man. 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a new study by the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce, the city’s freaky psychedelic fiberglass buffalo statues are most enjoyable when residents are tripping balls. 

  The “Spirit of the Buffalo” project is designed to increase awareness of nature conservation. Already, the exhibition has drawn rave reviews from residents whether they be stoned, f*cked up, trippin’ or hammered. “Dude, I am blitzed out of my fuckin’ mind here,” said Shane Boyd, Dairy Queen cashier and part-time skateboarder. 

“Is that buffalo supposed to be wearing a tie?” 

he asked, vaguing gesturing toward a buffalo statue that was, in fact, supposed to be wearing a tie. Sponsored by local corporations and decorated by a variety of artists, the downtown statues have been alternately described as freaky and trippy.

   A Chamber of Commerce survey reported that the most common response was “Whoa” followed closely by “that is not even right, man.” Spectators said the statues were most enjoyable when viewed on Ecstasy, followed by acid, shrooms, pot and pseudoephedrine. In any case, the fiberglass statues now outnumber Oklahoma’s real buffalo population by a 3:1 margin.

Female Lawmakers Back Mandatory Foreplay Proposal

By Johnston Murray - Partisan Staff Reporter

 A bipartisan coalition of female lawmakers is backing a bill that would require men to engage in foreplay for at least 10 minutes prior to any act of sexual intercourse. Supporters say that HB 24601 would increase the state’s cuddling and snuggling index. Oklahoma currently ranks 47th in the nation for pre-coital interaction. 

  Rep. Sue Tibbs, R-Tulsa said; 

“We don’t think it’s unreasonable for Oklahoma’s men to invest some time in pillow talk, hugging and kissing,”  “Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about the freaky-deaky sex, we just think that guys should have to work for it.”

   “This bill would help lower Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate,” said Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City. “Most Oklahoma men want to spend about five minutes getting their groove on." Monson said that, if men were required to actually talk to their lovers, many would probably opt for Internet porn instead. Female backing for the bill was bipartisan, with Democrats saying that the bill would help the children and Republicans arguing that it would boost economic development. 

  Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, said he will vote against the bill, as he opposes any legislation that would benefit women. Furthermore, Graves said, the legislation presumes the existence of a female orgasm. According to Graves, the female orgasm is 

“a controversial theory which some scientists present as scientific explanation. No one has ever seen a female orgasm. Therefore, any statement about it’s existence should be considered as theory, not fact.” 

  There is some male backing for the legislation, described by A number of male legislators oppose the bill, saying that it would hurt their families by increasing the amount of time they had to spend with their mistresses. Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, rejected suggestions that the bill would reaffirm “Oklahoma values.” Williamson has been the official arbiter of Oklahoma values since his election in 1996. 

“Oklahoma values are primarily centered around discriminating against homosexuals. We can’t be wasting time spewing a bunch of mushy crap when we just want to get our freak on,” 

Williamson said.

  Not all male legislators oppose the bill, although those that support it are considered to be a bunch of pussies. However, some real men have backed the proposal. Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, said he would consider voting for the legislation, providing nothing in the bill would require him to take his boots off. 

Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage

Sen. James Williamson

The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the 'persons of interest' in  a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.

We're working on a few stories which aren't ready yet. We'll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

Panel Recommends Feeding Carroll Fisher To Shoeless Orphans

  The committee investigating embattled insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher has wrapped up their investigation. 

  Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City chaired the commission, and said that, rather than calling for Fisher’s impeachment, they will simply feed him to a collection of shoeless orphans.

   Fisher is facing accusations that he stole money from a charity he operated. The charity was supposed to provide shoes to poor kids.

   Republicans say Fisher collected money, but spent it on booze and hookers. Democrats merely assume he spent it on booze and hookers. 

Attorney General Says Anti Bullying Laws Cover 'Lampoon Journalism'

If we're not publishing next week, it's probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel's uber secret 'Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts'.
Otherwise we're working on..

– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor

– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform 

Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

Governor Offers Puppy To Legislature In Exchange For State Budget Deal

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – If legislators are good boys and girls, and get a state budget compiled, they will get a puppy, Gov. Brad Henry announced last week.

   The offer is the latest in a series of political maneuvers as Democrats and Republicans wrestle over appropriations issues. “I've thought it over and, if the Legislature can produce a budget that incorporates funding for all-day kindergarten, we'll go to the pound and get a puppy,”

 Henry said. 

  “Yay!” said state Democrats. “Certainly, we had hoped for puppy and ice cream, but we are willing to compromise,” said Senate appropriation chair Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore However, soon after the announcement of the offer, Republican leadership accused the governor of playing politics. 

“The cuteness of puppies notwithstanding, we reject the governor's attempts to woo the Legislature,” 

said House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville. Hiett said Henry had used the tactic in the past, most recently when he promised to take lawmakers to Six Flags if they backed his education lottery bill. While Republicans rejected the puppy proposal, they did leave the door open for future negotiation. 

“I want a pony,” 

said House Speaker Pro Tem Susan Winchester.

Pettigrew Seeks Bi-partisan Approach To Political Pandering, Butt Kissing

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

Rep. Wayne Pettigrew accused his fellow Republicans this week of actively trying to undermine his political career in retaliation for his support of all Democratic proposals that attract media attention. 

“This mean-spirited attack simply reduces Republican chances of gaining control of the Oklahoma House of Representatives and illustrates the need for the type of non-partisan leadership I provide in front of cameras each and every day,” 

Pettigrew said. The Edmond Republican first suspected his popularity in the Republican caucus had ebbed when he was reassigned to a new office that he later learned doubled as a public bathroom/leper colony. He said those suspicions were further confirmed when he was given cleanup duty in the office. Republicans said the relocation was strategic. 

 “He’s pretty much full of shit, so craphole seemed like the perfect office,” 

said sixty-five representatives who agreed to speak only on the promise of anonymity. Pettigrew said tensions worsened this week when all 47 of his Republican colleagues signed an endorsement letter mass-mailed throughout his district urging voters to support “anyone but Pettigrew.” Fundraising woes have also plagued Pettigrew’s re-election efforts since he learned the Chickasaw Nation’s pledge of contributions in return for a vote to legalize Las Vegas gambling in elementary schools would be paid in “smart cards” for tribal slot machines. 

  Pettigrew said his requests for financial contributions from other Republicans have been met with stony silence at best and maniacal laughter in other cases. “I think the Republicans may not be happy with me,” he said. In response, the House Republican caucus issued a press packet titled: “No Shit Sherlock: The case against braking for Wayne Pettigrew in the Parking Lot.” The packet included papers and instructions that would allow Pettigrew to change political parties. Democrats countered with their own release titled: For the love of God, stay Republican. Pettigrew said Republican hostility appeared to coincide with his string of 3,471 consecutive votes with the Democratic majority, a feat not matched since former state Rep. Fred Brooks, R-Tulsa, was indicted for bribery and kickbacks in the 1970s.

   Democratic leaders openly acknowledge that Pettigrew has become a more dependable vote for their positions than Rep. Roy McClain, D-Tulsa and approximately 30 other members of the 52- member Democratic caucus. Prior to becoming the Democrats’ favorite Republican, Pettigrew was best known for legislation calling for Oklahoma to secede from the Union. That bill would have also replaced the current state flag with a Confederate Battle Flag that incorporated the image of “the finger” being flown at passers-by.

  Pettigrew’s other notable legislative contribution is a bill to mandate the use of 1940s-era civics books in public schools that refer to the civil rights struggle as “trouble ahead.” In spite of receiving the cold shoulder from many Republicans in recent days, Pettigrew said he believes the “silent majority” still admire his “no nonsense” approach to pandering. “I really think I could be speaker of the House someday,” he said. His colleagues appear bewildered by that optimism. “How can a man with such bizarre hair be so oblivious to consistent criticism, ridicule and hurling of feces?” asked Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah.

   Others phrased their views in theological terms, with Catholic members seeing Pettigrew as punishment for their sins and Protestants viewing him as a sign of the impending Apocalypse. “Wayne Pettigrew has an ego of Biblical proportions,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City and noted Biblical scholar, “and there can be little doubt that he is the anti-Christ.”

Oil Surges Past Children As State’s Most Precious Natural Resource

Children continue to absorb oil assets for frivolous desires

By Raymond Gary, Partisan Staff Reporter

   In the past two years, oil has surged past children as Oklahoma's most precious natural resource, an industry analyst said last week. Gordon McLain, speaking at a luncheon for energy executives and state lawmakers, said aggressive incentives for oil and gas companies would prove far more profitable than spending money on the state's children.

 "In the next three to five years, oil will continue to move to $60 or $70 a barrel. At the same time, we see the market for children continuing to decline,"

 said McLain. 

"Given the state's limited budget, it would generate more wealth to invest in oil, rather than spending the time and money it takes to make the average child profitable." 

  In recent weeks, energy and education forces have squared off over House Bill 1715, which exempts certain oil and gas related equipment from ad valorem taxes at the expense of state schools. Rep. Kevin Calvey, the measure's author, said McLain's presentation showed the need for the state to stop putting our children ahead of big energy companies. 

"Devon has seen billions in profit over the past three years. In the same time span, the average child has barely learned to speak or walk upright. Which do you think is more profitable?" 

said Calvey, R-Del City. 

  Faced with McLain's charts and graphs, even skeptical lawmakers conceded that children were a nearly worthless natural resource.

   After speaking with McClain, Gov. Brad Henry announced he would no longer seeking funding for all-day kindergarten. "Lottery tickets are a better deal," said Henry. Supporters of the state's struggling child industry say the market could be improved through decreased government regulation. Currently, child production and storage is governed by extensive feed, abuse and neglect laws that eat into profit margins.

   Child officials are calling for increased funding for production, as well as the abolition of treatment standards, which they say will allow the child labor industry to compete with oil and gas companies. "Children are our most precious natural resource," said advocates. "Until you run out of gas," replied McLain.

Cuss Fines Remain State Law

We're working on a few stories, but football is also exciting. More stories will post next week.

– GOP may replace Hiett with someone who doesn’t scare children.
– Controversial cow-tipping legislation draws criticism from rural teens - Page D

Fun with state statutes:
The House Ethics Committee decided not to act on legislation to remove a statute banning profane swearing.

 “Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense.” 

–2001 O.S. 21§905

Moore City Hall Orders Giant Bubble Wrap For Command Center

It's tornado season, The God's of the jet stream are once again looking for an Oklahoma community to decimate. More details to come... 

Other rumors we're working on include;

– Hepatitis treatment industry praises failure of tattoo regulation 

– Kelly Ogle’s 2 cents worth every penny 

Nearly 90% of Democrat genda ‘for the children’

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.” 

“Children are our most precious natural resource,” 

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay. 

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.” 

  Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.

   Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid. 

  “I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”

 
   But Democratic lawmakers disagreed. “We must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” said Rep. Jari Askins, D-Duncan. Askins said a vote against HB 1805, regarding automated external defibrillators, would be “a vote against babies, puppy dogs, flowers and sunny days.”

  “We have a duty to protect Oklahoma’s youngest, and I take that obligation seriously,” said Sen. Barbara Staggs, D-Muskogee, in defense of a bill that would exempt cellular towers from the definition of “telecommunications services” for tax purposes. 

  “Before voting for this bill, I would ask you to please, please think of the children.” 

  As of press time, the children were unavailable for comment.

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 

  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

   Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

 

Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta

“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,” 

said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

 “I am the cockfight king!” 

screamed McGee. 

  Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.

   In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed. 

  Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties). 

  In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.

Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 

  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.

  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.

  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

OKC Legislator's Alter Ego

An office pool is being run in the Senate Lounge. Some say It's actually former senator, Gene Stipe in the white furry get up. 
 Others say that David Walters or Steve Lewis was trying to get into the lobbying racket...

Other rumors we're working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn 

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’ 

Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”

   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

Legislator Asks Brad Edwards To 'Please Get Out of Our Corner'

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years. 

Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on. 

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.” 

said Branan.

   KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.

 “He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner. 

“People have reported him rocking back and forth, mumbling that he’s been a very naughty boy,”

 said Branan. “What’s up with that?” Under Branan’s legislation, Edwards would be forced out of our corner. He would be to stand along our wall, or within our closet.

Stories We're Still Working On..

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We'll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine ‘A Little Creepy’

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman's shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 

  "It's a little creepy," conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes."

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, "recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day... declaring an emergency." The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 

  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

   Having fixed all of the state's other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake... ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

Nobody Really Knows Who Amended HB 2355

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 

The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 

  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

he said. “They did the same thing with tort reform and worker’s compensation.” Legislators have declined to repeal the amendment. “I don’t think it’s hurting anything,” said Lamons, “and besides, none of us are sure what a ‘Metallica’ is.” Under other provisions outlined in the bill, the ruling status of Metallica will be enforced by OSBI and the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

The Capitol Botox Epidemic

That shocked and expressionless zombie apocalypse-look is getting quite fashionable in political circles.

While most of the geriatric peacocks claim not to even know what Botox is, we all can spot those with a needle addiction from all the way across the caucus rooms.

Other stories we're working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to 'plausible')..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

As Calls For Parity Increase, Tribal Retailers Find Themselves Struggling To Give a Shit

Due to tribal sovereignty and tax exemptions,
 luxurious tribal smoke shops such as this one
 enjoy a price advantage. In the background,
smoke rises from a mountain of broken treaties.

By A. Bill Murray, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  If you listen closely, a new refrain can be heard echoing across the plains of Oklahoma, bubbling up from the streams and carried on the whisper of the wind. "That's not fair." It's a phrase Joseph Coffey knows all too well.

   As proprietor of Joe's Smoke Stop outside of Tecumseh, the Citizen Pottawatomie tobacco merchant hears it all the time from his nontribal competitors. This legislative session has already seen the passage of Gov. Brad Henry's controversial gambling expansion bill, which allows Indian casinos to expand their gaming operations. Furthermore, the governor's cigarette tax proposal has raised opposition from nontribal tobacco retailers, who say that the bill will put them at a disadvantage compared to their Indian counterparts.

  The effects of tribal sovereignty have created an unequal playing field, leaving nontribal businesses fighting to compete and tribal merchants struggling to give a rat's ass. Fischer's Tobaccy Shacky has been the Bartlesville for generations, ever since the Cherokees were displaced so that white people could drill for oil. 

"I grew up in an Oklahoma with one flag, and I don't think it's fair that we say some people can do some things and some people can't."

  Things are tough all over: As Fischer work to remain profitable, tribal dealers such as Coffey fight to give a good goddamn. "It's hard," notes Coffey, who says he sometimes feels guilty for his inability to feel sorry for the little pussies. "I guess we've really forgotten what it's like to be treated unfairly. I guess the 200 years of ass-ramming by federal and state governments made us overlook the suffering of the guy who owns the Love's in Purcell" he said. Coffey is not alone; Indian officials across the state spend countless seconds trying to feel sympathy for non-tribal tobacco dealers, only to find that they can't. Tribal governments are working on the problem, and the Choctaw Nation has commissioned the construction of the world's smallest violin, to be played exclusively for non-tribal cigarette dealers. Choctaw official David Haines hopes the violin will ease relations by showing that Oklahoma's Indian population is sympathetic to its competition. "It must be hard to play at an unfair table," he said.

   "Almost as hard as it is to cope with sky-high rates of poverty, alcoholism and mental illness due to generations of oppression by foreign invaders." Haines invited the jilted dealers to share they're concerns. "Cry me a fuckin' river, crackers" he said. In a recent meeting, the Absentee Shawnee tribe considering shedding a single, solitary tear for the people who forced them to leave their lands, marched them into Oklahoma, then took that land when oil was discovered. Supporters said the measure would show solidarity with other retailers, since it's not like American Indians discovered tobacco or anything. Ultimately, the member rejected the measure in favor of laughing their asses off.

Hiett Asked To Wear Looser Pants When Discussing Lawsuit Reform

Some say speaker’s enthusiasm is too obvious

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Speaker Todd Hiett has been asked to wear more loose-fitting pants when he discusses the issue of lawsuit reform.

  Hiett, R-Kellyville, has made tort reform a key component of the House Republican agenda, but many say that his enthusiasm for the issue is distracting, even disturbing. 

“We understand he has a sizable tort reform package,”

 said House Democratic Leader Jari Askins, D-Duncan, “We just don’t need to be reminded of that every day.” The call for baggier pants has bipartisan support. 

  “We believe the speaker is committed to meaningful tort reform for the state of Oklahoma,” 

said Rep. Fred Morgan, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, which handled Hiett’s massive tort reform bill. “However, some of us question whether his current set of trousers can accommodate his enthusiasm.”

“There’s no question that (Hiett) is a stiff, rigid advocate of tort reform,” 

said Rep. David Braddock, D-Altus. “We are simply concerned that he is too stiff.” For his part, Hiett has agreed to remain behind a podium when discussing his massive package, as well as taking a cold shower immediately afterwards.

Lawmakers Can’t Discuss Size of OU’s Endowment With a Straight Face

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A bill that would require university officials to notify legislators of tuition increases was delayed last week as Senate debate turned to the size of OU’s endowment. 

  During a presentation by OU president David Boren, the issue of endowment was raised. “Would you say that the university is ‘well endowed’?” asked Sen. Owen Laughlin, R-Woodward.

 “Certainly, there’s no question that OU’s endowment is huge, and growing at a rapid rate,”  

  Boren replied. “Heh heh, he said ‘endowed’” noted Sen. Sam Helton, D-Lawton. For the next thirty minutes, Senators argued as to whether OU was more well endowed that OSU. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, rolled her eyes through the debate, unsure as to why her male counterparts were so amused by OU’s sizable funding.

  “I haven’t seen them giggle this much since we debated cockfighting,”

 she said. 

OU Breaks Ground On Brian Bosworth School of Acting

By William Holloway, Partisan Staff Reporter

With the star of “Stone Cold” in attendance, officials at the University of Oklahoma broke ground on the Brian Bosworth School of Acting. Bosworth, a former linebacker for the Sooners, played for the NFL’s Seattle Seahawks before abandoning football for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.

   He is perhaps best known for 1991’s “Stone Cold,” which won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Mullet. “The Boz” also starred in the 1997 television series “Lawless.” However, the show was pulled after one episode following concern that children would imitate the star’s dangerous haircut.

  OU President David Boren said it was time for the university to recognize the contributions of its most prolific thespian. Plans for the school were advanced when OU regents discovered nearly 200 square feet of the Norman campus that wasn’t already under construction. The outspoken actor said he was honored by the tribute.

 “It’s truly humbling to see OU coming together to recognize how incredibly awesome I am.”

   Some have said that OU’s theater department should be named for OU alumnus Ed Harris, the Oscar-nominated actor known for his performances in “The Right Stuff” and “The Truman Show.” However, it was decided that Harris’ penchant for thoughtful, non-kickass films was out of line with traditional Oklahoma values.