Senator Calling For Bipartisan Approach To Voting Republican

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 

In a press conference last week, Sen. Glenn Coffee called for an end to “business as usual” in state government.

 “For too long, the legislature has been bogged down in ugly, partisan disputes,” 

said Coffee, R-Oklahoma City. “It is time to put the politics of division behind us. Now is time to work with the Democrats, and take a truly bipartisan approach to voting Republican.” 

From the Senate’s college bond proposal to the House’s workers compensation reforms, conflicts between the GOP and Democrats have marred the legislative process. Coffee said it was time for lawmakers to reach across the aisle, and work hand-in-hand to unquestionably advance GOP proposals.

 “As politicians, we talk about ‘bipartisanship’ all the time, yet will still see some lawmakers trying to thwart the process with their opposing opinions,” said Coffee.

 “I’m challenging my colleagues in the Senate and House to stand together, and say that we won’t let ugly, partisan politics keep us from voting Republican.”

Yellow Ribbons Help State Troopers Target Subversives

Other headlines we're pursuing;

– Stoned lawmaker votes to order pizza

– Bill Graves checks watch, resumes waiting for Rapture 

– RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937 - 2005 

Toby Keith Fights For Drinkin’, Fightin’ Deregulation

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 

  Country music superstar Toby Keith is asking lawmakers to deregulate the state’s drinkin’ and fightin’ industries. The 43-year-old Oklahoma native says government oversight has stunted the field. 

“Some times you just gotta get drunk and put a boot up someone’s ass,”

 said Keith.

   Currently, state laws regulate the time, place and manner in which an individual may consume alcohol. Keith says such laws prevent many from entering the profession on a full time basis. 

  Furthermore, said Keith, current anti-fighting laws discourage the use of pool cues and broken beer bottles. 

  Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Hanna, will carry a similar bill in the Senate, along with an amendment that will legalize kicking city boys’ scrawny asses.

Coburn, MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

 Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts 

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
 Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation's chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America's ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush. 

  As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed. 

  However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking. 

  Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call. 

Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust. 

  At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.

  At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.

  On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.

   On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.

 “Just doing my job,” 

said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.