Lincoln Street Hookers Pushing For Longer Legislative Session

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session. 

  “The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,”  said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

 “This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.” 

  Cummings said the union is pushing for a constitutional amendment to extend the legislative session through the end of July.

Mandated Breast-feeding

As Will Rogers once said; "My jokes don't harm anyone, but when congress writes a joke, it becomes a law!"
Stay tune for our upcoming reports on these stories...

– Thanks to scrivener’s error, public breast-feeding now required by law

–  Inhofe signs lucrative sponsorship deal with douchebag manufacturer

Female Lawmakers Back Mandatory Foreplay Proposal

By Johnston Murray - Partisan Staff Reporter

 A bipartisan coalition of female lawmakers is backing a bill that would require men to engage in foreplay for at least 10 minutes prior to any act of sexual intercourse. Supporters say that HB 24601 would increase the state’s cuddling and snuggling index. Oklahoma currently ranks 47th in the nation for pre-coital interaction. 

  Rep. Sue Tibbs, R-Tulsa said; 

“We don’t think it’s unreasonable for Oklahoma’s men to invest some time in pillow talk, hugging and kissing,”  “Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about the freaky-deaky sex, we just think that guys should have to work for it.”

   “This bill would help lower Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate,” said Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City. “Most Oklahoma men want to spend about five minutes getting their groove on." Monson said that, if men were required to actually talk to their lovers, many would probably opt for Internet porn instead. Female backing for the bill was bipartisan, with Democrats saying that the bill would help the children and Republicans arguing that it would boost economic development. 

  Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, said he will vote against the bill, as he opposes any legislation that would benefit women. Furthermore, Graves said, the legislation presumes the existence of a female orgasm. According to Graves, the female orgasm is 

“a controversial theory which some scientists present as scientific explanation. No one has ever seen a female orgasm. Therefore, any statement about it’s existence should be considered as theory, not fact.” 

  There is some male backing for the legislation, described by A number of male legislators oppose the bill, saying that it would hurt their families by increasing the amount of time they had to spend with their mistresses. Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, rejected suggestions that the bill would reaffirm “Oklahoma values.” Williamson has been the official arbiter of Oklahoma values since his election in 1996. 

“Oklahoma values are primarily centered around discriminating against homosexuals. We can’t be wasting time spewing a bunch of mushy crap when we just want to get our freak on,” 

Williamson said.

  Not all male legislators oppose the bill, although those that support it are considered to be a bunch of pussies. However, some real men have backed the proposal. Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, said he would consider voting for the legislation, providing nothing in the bill would require him to take his boots off. 

Hiett Asked To Wear Looser Pants When Discussing Lawsuit Reform

Some say speaker’s enthusiasm is too obvious

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Speaker Todd Hiett has been asked to wear more loose-fitting pants when he discusses the issue of lawsuit reform.

  Hiett, R-Kellyville, has made tort reform a key component of the House Republican agenda, but many say that his enthusiasm for the issue is distracting, even disturbing. 

“We understand he has a sizable tort reform package,”

 said House Democratic Leader Jari Askins, D-Duncan, “We just don’t need to be reminded of that every day.” The call for baggier pants has bipartisan support. 

  “We believe the speaker is committed to meaningful tort reform for the state of Oklahoma,” 

said Rep. Fred Morgan, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, which handled Hiett’s massive tort reform bill. “However, some of us question whether his current set of trousers can accommodate his enthusiasm.”

“There’s no question that (Hiett) is a stiff, rigid advocate of tort reform,” 

said Rep. David Braddock, D-Altus. “We are simply concerned that he is too stiff.” For his part, Hiett has agreed to remain behind a podium when discussing his massive package, as well as taking a cold shower immediately afterwards.

Legislator Confirmed To Be Marilyn Manson

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republicans were shocked to learn that one of their own, Rep. Tad Jones, R-Claremore, had previously fronted 90’s shock-rock band Marilyn Manson. In his rock-and-roll heyday, Manson was renown for his satanic imagery and explicit lyrics.

  The star fell from prominence in the late 90s, the victim of post-Columbine fallout and overshadowed by the rise of such provocative acts as Eminem and Creed.

 Changing his name to Tad Jones, “the most boyish, innocent-sounding name I could think of,” Manson was elected to the District 9 seat in 1998. As a performer, Manson was renown for his on-stage antics, including stunts featuring goats’ blood, blow-up dolls and strap-on dildos.

  As the House minority whip, Jones has authored legislation regarding school district elections and the use of golf carts on city streets. He says his day as the quasi-satanic musician are behind him, though he may still cover himself in blood during House debate.