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| Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks |
By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter
If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional
ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop
pelting the state with tornadoes.
“If I look down and see that homosexuals
are behind denied the same civil rights and
privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll
be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a
joint press conference with Sen. James
Williamson, R-Tulsa.
“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.”
Republican leadership has been in talks
with God throughout the session, working to
broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable
supernatural entity would stop pelting the state
with tornadoes, drought and other so-called
“acts of God.”
Federal law requires the state to enter
into compacts with divine beings regarding
Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes,
earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters,
such as a 1200% increase in meth use
and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs,
remain unregulated.
However, God said he may reward the
state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are
enshrined in state law.
“Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,”
he said. “What’s
with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus
19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my
statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender
with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy
field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment
mingled of linen and woollen come upon
thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of
hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton
blends. What’s up with that?”
In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill
Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation
to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in
the Oklahoma Constitution.
A reprieve from tornadoes backs up
Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban
would help economic development in Oklahoma.
Democrats had previously disputed that
argument based on the fact that it made no
friggin’ sense.
Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath
would drive down insurance prices which,
along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will
function as a panacea for the troubled state.
“If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,”
Williamson said.
So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts
with a standard-of-living and per-capita
income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as
much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy,
obesity and suicide.