Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com 
Cruise on over to 

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.” 

Read about our state’s struggles with 
  1. cockfighting, 
  2. meth, 
  3. divorce, 
  4. teen pregnancy, 
  5. gay marriage 
  6. and more.   
  Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys ‘Oklahoma’s Most Ill’

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness. 
“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher, 

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.” 

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn. 

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

 Cain asked. 
“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

Balkman Drags Toure To Room 101 To ‘Discuss’ House Rule Changes

  Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City, have been debating controversial changes to House rules since the first day of the session. However, negotiations are going much smoother since relocating to Room 101, a spokesman for Balkman reported. 
  Situated deep within the Ministry of Truth, Room 101 is often used by the Party to destroy those who would resist it. 
  Upon exiting the room, lawmakers are often more responsive to counter-proposals. In this case, Rep. Toure agreed that; 

"he who controls the House controls the present, and he who controls the present controls the future." 

Toure also noted that he loved Big Brother.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Hiett irritated that governor has apparently grown a pair

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to sources within the House of Representatives, House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, is dismayed that Gov. Brad Henry has grown a pair of brass round ones. 

  “I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett. 

  Upon the GOP takeover of the Oklahoma Legislature in the November elections, Republicans were expected to whip out their legislation in the face of astonished Democrats. At the time, Henry was expected to offer feeble counter proposals, including “EDGEpalooza 2005: Reaching for Excellence and Rubbing It all over our Bodies.” 
  However, the passage of lottery and cigarette tax measures has prompted a swelling in Henry’s package, and he has mobilized his mass of confidence to pre-empt Republican legislation. Last week, Henry was seen whipping out his massive prescription drug plan at a press conference. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Republicans Amend Bible To Remove Inconvenient Passages

  Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda 

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
  One week into the 50th Legislative Session, House Republicans have forced through a bill that would amend the New Testament of the Holy Bible. Rep. John Trebilcock, R-Broken Arrow, said the changes were necessary to remove certain contradictions with orthodox GOP ideology. 
  "Clearly, it's embarrassing that so many aspects of our platform are opposed to key Christian principles. Saturated as we are in Social Darwinist special-interest money, we feel it would be easier and more efficient to simply amend the Bible" said Trebilcock. 
  Among the passages to be edited is Matthew 7:1, commonly referred to as "The Golden Rule." Traditionally, this verse admonishes readers to treat others as they would like to be treated. However, under the Republican package, the line would be modified to specifically exclude homosexuals.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

In other news, we're working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 

–  SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face 

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”
  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

“Them there's that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,” 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power, Bourbon

“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
 to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
 – Rep. Todd Hiett
By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 
  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 
  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 
  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

  Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

  Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn't get a committee vote. Better luck next year. Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

– Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors
– Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter
– Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day
– Ronnie Kaye now older than God

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governor’s Basement

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 
The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the manion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 
  Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation. 

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of
State Finance, says his magical pimp hat
keeps his bitches in line during the
lengthy process of negotiation.
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer 
From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat. 
“The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham. 

“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.” 

Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps. 
“I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City, 

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Hiett Calls For Resignation of Entire Democratic Party

Todd Hiett R-Kellyville
Citing the need to protect Oklahoma's children from improved health care and broader educational opportunities, House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, D-Kellyville, called for the resignation of Oklahoma's Democratic Party. 

"For too long, the Democratic Party has clogged the legislature with plans to extend health care to the poor, boost teacher salaries and provide drug rehabilitation programs for addicts. The resignation of the party is necessary to proceed with important business such as reforming workers compensation and absolving corporations of responsibility to consumers," 

   Hiett said in a Wednesday press conference. So far, Hiett has sought the resignations of 
  • Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, 
  • Senate President Pro Tempore Emeritus Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City and 
  • Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Governor ‘Doing Well’ Following Spine-Removal Surgery

   Valentine's Day took more commitment this year, so we missed a copy deadline. Here are the stories we should have had ready for print, but didn't...

– Even Nashoba lawmaker doesn’t know where the hell Nashoba is

– Obese kids, hungry cows: State crisis solves itself

– Senator calls for special session to finish farewell speech

– Governor ‘doing well’ following spine-removal surgery

– Cain collapses from bleeding heart

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Stipe Escapes House Arrest

Police urge caution; 

Former senator last seen making illegal campaign contributions south of McAlester

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter:
  Former senator and convicted felon Gene Stipe escaped from house arrest on Monday, slipping out the back door while his wife was watching daytime TV. Stipe’s checkbook was also missing, which concerns authorities.


Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.
   Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae, 

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.” 

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Lincoln Street Hookers Pushing For Longer Legislative Session

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session. 
  “The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,”  said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

 “This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.” 

  Cummings said the union is pushing for a constitutional amendment to extend the legislative session through the end of July.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Mandated Breast-feeding

As Will Rogers once said; "My jokes don't harm anyone, but when congress writes a joke, it becomes a law!"
Stay tune for our upcoming reports on these stories...

– Thanks to scrivener’s error, public breast-feeding now required by law

–  Inhofe signs lucrative sponsorship deal with douchebag manufacturer

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Trial Lawyers Seen Twirling Mustaches, Tying Women To Railroad Tracks

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” 
  After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City.
   With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.”
  Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Senate Celebrates ‘Penny Williams Awareness Day’

Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa 
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. 
  “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche.
   Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler. 

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill."

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks
By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter
   If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa. 

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.” 

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Bob Anthony Survives Mount Doom

  We're suffering the ravages of holiday party circuit. That means we have more juicy stories to track down and too much eggnog weighing us down.
   Here's just a few of our possible stories for next week...

– Perverted lawmaker sad to learn real definition of ‘animal husbandry’ 

– Sen. Herb Rozell has your term limits right here, buddy

– Turpen eats Hargis 

– Bob Anthony plunges into fires of Mount Doom following scuffle with hobbit. Whereabouts of ‘Precious’ unknown

 – Boren announces fundraising drive to expand campus, build mind-control space laser 

– With SR19, Sen. Nichols appeals to Washington Lady Warriors Class 2A Girls Basketball State Champions demographic

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