Female Lawmakers Back Mandatory Foreplay Proposal

By Johnston Murray - Partisan Staff Reporter

 A bipartisan coalition of female lawmakers is backing a bill that would require men to engage in foreplay for at least 10 minutes prior to any act of sexual intercourse. Supporters say that HB 24601 would increase the state’s cuddling and snuggling index. Oklahoma currently ranks 47th in the nation for pre-coital interaction. 

  Rep. Sue Tibbs, R-Tulsa said; 

“We don’t think it’s unreasonable for Oklahoma’s men to invest some time in pillow talk, hugging and kissing,”  “Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about the freaky-deaky sex, we just think that guys should have to work for it.”

   “This bill would help lower Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate,” said Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City. “Most Oklahoma men want to spend about five minutes getting their groove on." Monson said that, if men were required to actually talk to their lovers, many would probably opt for Internet porn instead. Female backing for the bill was bipartisan, with Democrats saying that the bill would help the children and Republicans arguing that it would boost economic development. 

  Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, said he will vote against the bill, as he opposes any legislation that would benefit women. Furthermore, Graves said, the legislation presumes the existence of a female orgasm. According to Graves, the female orgasm is 

“a controversial theory which some scientists present as scientific explanation. No one has ever seen a female orgasm. Therefore, any statement about it’s existence should be considered as theory, not fact.” 

  There is some male backing for the legislation, described by A number of male legislators oppose the bill, saying that it would hurt their families by increasing the amount of time they had to spend with their mistresses. Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, rejected suggestions that the bill would reaffirm “Oklahoma values.” Williamson has been the official arbiter of Oklahoma values since his election in 1996. 

“Oklahoma values are primarily centered around discriminating against homosexuals. We can’t be wasting time spewing a bunch of mushy crap when we just want to get our freak on,” 

Williamson said.

  Not all male legislators oppose the bill, although those that support it are considered to be a bunch of pussies. However, some real men have backed the proposal. Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, said he would consider voting for the legislation, providing nothing in the bill would require him to take his boots off. 

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 

  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

   Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

 

Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta

“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,” 

said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

 “I am the cockfight king!” 

screamed McGee. 

  Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.

   In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed. 

  Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties). 

  In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.

Lawmakers Can’t Discuss Size of OU’s Endowment With a Straight Face

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A bill that would require university officials to notify legislators of tuition increases was delayed last week as Senate debate turned to the size of OU’s endowment. 

  During a presentation by OU president David Boren, the issue of endowment was raised. “Would you say that the university is ‘well endowed’?” asked Sen. Owen Laughlin, R-Woodward.

 “Certainly, there’s no question that OU’s endowment is huge, and growing at a rapid rate,”  

  Boren replied. “Heh heh, he said ‘endowed’” noted Sen. Sam Helton, D-Lawton. For the next thirty minutes, Senators argued as to whether OU was more well endowed that OSU. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, rolled her eyes through the debate, unsure as to why her male counterparts were so amused by OU’s sizable funding.

  “I haven’t seen them giggle this much since we debated cockfighting,”

 she said. 

Rural Democrats Announce Deal To Sell souls In Exchange For Farm Subsidies

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Rural lawmakers have announced an agreement to sell their souls in exchange for farm subsidies. Under the terms of the deal, farm subsidies would be purchased from House leadership in exchange for the core principles of the Democratic Party.

  Rep. Wed Hilliard, D-Sulphur, said it made sense for the group to jettison excess baggage. "As Oklahoma Democrats grow more conservative, we find our liberal ideals aren't being used," Hilliard said. "Since they're just gathering dust, we have no problem getting rid of them in exchange for sweet, sweet farm subsidies." "Mmmm... Farm subsidies," said Rep. R.C. Pruett, D-Antlers.

   Speaker of the House Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, said he is delighted with the deal.

 "Working with conservative Democrats, I was able to purchase several core values that had blocked meaningful workers comp reform for the state of Oklahoma. With these principles out of the way, it was much easier to push through tort reform as well."

   While the process had widespread support in the House, several Senate Democrats have expressed concern. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, is calling for a task force to investigate rural lawmakers addiction to farm subsidies. 

"Certainly, it appears that farm subsidy addiction is on the rise among Democrats,"

 said Monson. "We want to get these lawmakers into treatment, to break this vicious cycle. No one should have to sell their souls in exchange for government handouts."