Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts
 |
| Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved
the nation from a Social Security Nighmare. Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to take on North Korea. |
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
WASHINGTON (OP) – Our
nation's chief executive breathed a
little easier last night, as Senator Tom
Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver,
Troubleshooter Extraordinaire,
defused America's ticking time
bomb, the Social Security System.
“Our nation owes a debt of
gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,”
said President George W.
Bush.
As the president, vice-president,
and several agency officials
have repeatedly told the American
press, Social Security was in danger
of exploding unless private accounts
were immediately installed.
However, while the danger was
as clear and present as weapons of
mass destruction, there was Congressional
resistance to drastically overhauling
the federal program. Shrieking,
weak-kneed liberals were convincing
some of the more cowardly
Republicans to do nothing, and
allow the bomb to keep ticking.
Nonetheless, conservative crusader
Coburn was committed to the
destruction of the system, and he
knew just the person to call.
Angus MacGyver is a free-lance
adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation,
most active in southern California
during the 1985-92 television
seasons. He had worked with Coburn
for a time while fighting against
Homicide International Trust.
At a press conference last week,
Coburn and MacGyver detailed how
they discovered the problem while
adventuring together in the Arbuckle
Mountains.
At the time, they had
access to only a few common household
objects: a paper clip, a rubber
band and 24,601 ways to cut vital
social services in order to fund private
investment accounts.
On the scene, Coburn used his
skills as a politician and physician to
brew up a smokescreen using workers
compensation reform and hefty
imitations on malpractice lawsuits.
This shielded the duo from public
oversight, giving MacGyver time to
yank out the Social Security safety
net and replace it with privatized
accounts created out of a rubber
band and a fistful of Wal-Mart
coupons.
On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver
were presented with the Congressional
Medal of Honor, but the
maverick lawmaker declined the
honor.
“Just doing my job,”
said
Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up”
sign.