Attorney General Files Restraining Order Against Lawmaker’s Mustache

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said. 

  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power, Bourbon

“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
 to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
 – Rep. Todd Hiett

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 

  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

  Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governor’s Basement

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 

  Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of
State Finance, says his magical pimp hat
keeps his bitches in line during the
lengthy process of negotiation.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation. 

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer 

From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat. 

“The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham. 

“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.” 

Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps. 

“I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City, 

“and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’” 

  Meacham explained that, in the course of his work, it is often necessary to lay the smack down on punk bitches. “You got a problem, you can take it up with the hat,” he said. Punk-ass bitches have asked Gov. Brad Henry to restrain Meacham. However, following an assault by “the five fingers of progress,” Henry said he ain’t goin’ there again.

Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.

   Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae, 

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.” 

  Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

 “Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

 said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

Trial Lawyers Seen Twirling Mustaches, Tying Women To Railroad Tracks

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” 

  After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City.

   With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.”

  Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

   At press time, some had even resumed covering themselves in goat’s blood and sacrificing chickens to Baal.

 “Thank goodness we have a governor who fights for the people, not millionaire special interests,”

 said Taylor, himself a millionaire trial lawyer who was especially interested in the legislation. “I haven’t had time to kill a kitten in months.”

Senate Celebrates ‘Penny Williams Awareness Day’

Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. 

  “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche.

   Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler. 

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill."

God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks

By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter

   If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa. 

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.” 

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

   “Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,” 

he said. “What’s with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus 19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton blends. What’s up with that?”

   In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in the Oklahoma Constitution. A reprieve from tornadoes backs up Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban would help economic development in Oklahoma. 

  Democrats had previously disputed that argument based on the fact that it made no friggin’ sense. Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath would drive down insurance prices which, along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will function as a panacea for the troubled state. 

  “If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,” 

Williamson said. So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts with a standard-of-living and per-capita income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy, obesity and suicide.

Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage

Sen. James Williamson

The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the 'persons of interest' in  a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.

We're working on a few stories which aren't ready yet. We'll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

Panel Recommends Feeding Carroll Fisher To Shoeless Orphans

  The committee investigating embattled insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher has wrapped up their investigation. 

  Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City chaired the commission, and said that, rather than calling for Fisher’s impeachment, they will simply feed him to a collection of shoeless orphans.

   Fisher is facing accusations that he stole money from a charity he operated. The charity was supposed to provide shoes to poor kids.

   Republicans say Fisher collected money, but spent it on booze and hookers. Democrats merely assume he spent it on booze and hookers. 

Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

Pettigrew Seeks Bi-partisan Approach To Political Pandering, Butt Kissing

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

Rep. Wayne Pettigrew accused his fellow Republicans this week of actively trying to undermine his political career in retaliation for his support of all Democratic proposals that attract media attention. 

“This mean-spirited attack simply reduces Republican chances of gaining control of the Oklahoma House of Representatives and illustrates the need for the type of non-partisan leadership I provide in front of cameras each and every day,” 

Pettigrew said. The Edmond Republican first suspected his popularity in the Republican caucus had ebbed when he was reassigned to a new office that he later learned doubled as a public bathroom/leper colony. He said those suspicions were further confirmed when he was given cleanup duty in the office. Republicans said the relocation was strategic. 

 “He’s pretty much full of shit, so craphole seemed like the perfect office,” 

said sixty-five representatives who agreed to speak only on the promise of anonymity. Pettigrew said tensions worsened this week when all 47 of his Republican colleagues signed an endorsement letter mass-mailed throughout his district urging voters to support “anyone but Pettigrew.” Fundraising woes have also plagued Pettigrew’s re-election efforts since he learned the Chickasaw Nation’s pledge of contributions in return for a vote to legalize Las Vegas gambling in elementary schools would be paid in “smart cards” for tribal slot machines. 

  Pettigrew said his requests for financial contributions from other Republicans have been met with stony silence at best and maniacal laughter in other cases. “I think the Republicans may not be happy with me,” he said. In response, the House Republican caucus issued a press packet titled: “No Shit Sherlock: The case against braking for Wayne Pettigrew in the Parking Lot.” The packet included papers and instructions that would allow Pettigrew to change political parties. Democrats countered with their own release titled: For the love of God, stay Republican. Pettigrew said Republican hostility appeared to coincide with his string of 3,471 consecutive votes with the Democratic majority, a feat not matched since former state Rep. Fred Brooks, R-Tulsa, was indicted for bribery and kickbacks in the 1970s.

   Democratic leaders openly acknowledge that Pettigrew has become a more dependable vote for their positions than Rep. Roy McClain, D-Tulsa and approximately 30 other members of the 52- member Democratic caucus. Prior to becoming the Democrats’ favorite Republican, Pettigrew was best known for legislation calling for Oklahoma to secede from the Union. That bill would have also replaced the current state flag with a Confederate Battle Flag that incorporated the image of “the finger” being flown at passers-by.

  Pettigrew’s other notable legislative contribution is a bill to mandate the use of 1940s-era civics books in public schools that refer to the civil rights struggle as “trouble ahead.” In spite of receiving the cold shoulder from many Republicans in recent days, Pettigrew said he believes the “silent majority” still admire his “no nonsense” approach to pandering. “I really think I could be speaker of the House someday,” he said. His colleagues appear bewildered by that optimism. “How can a man with such bizarre hair be so oblivious to consistent criticism, ridicule and hurling of feces?” asked Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah.

   Others phrased their views in theological terms, with Catholic members seeing Pettigrew as punishment for their sins and Protestants viewing him as a sign of the impending Apocalypse. “Wayne Pettigrew has an ego of Biblical proportions,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City and noted Biblical scholar, “and there can be little doubt that he is the anti-Christ.”

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 

  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

   Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

 

Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta

“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,” 

said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

 “I am the cockfight king!” 

screamed McGee. 

  Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.

   In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed. 

  Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties). 

  In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.

Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 

  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.

  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.

  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”

   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

Nobody Really Knows Who Amended HB 2355

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 

The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 

  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

he said. “They did the same thing with tort reform and worker’s compensation.” Legislators have declined to repeal the amendment. “I don’t think it’s hurting anything,” said Lamons, “and besides, none of us are sure what a ‘Metallica’ is.” Under other provisions outlined in the bill, the ruling status of Metallica will be enforced by OSBI and the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

The Capitol Botox Epidemic

That shocked and expressionless zombie apocalypse-look is getting quite fashionable in political circles.

While most of the geriatric peacocks claim not to even know what Botox is, we all can spot those with a needle addiction from all the way across the caucus rooms.

Other stories we're working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to 'plausible')..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

Hiett Asked To Wear Looser Pants When Discussing Lawsuit Reform

Some say speaker’s enthusiasm is too obvious

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Speaker Todd Hiett has been asked to wear more loose-fitting pants when he discusses the issue of lawsuit reform.

  Hiett, R-Kellyville, has made tort reform a key component of the House Republican agenda, but many say that his enthusiasm for the issue is distracting, even disturbing. 

“We understand he has a sizable tort reform package,”

 said House Democratic Leader Jari Askins, D-Duncan, “We just don’t need to be reminded of that every day.” The call for baggier pants has bipartisan support. 

  “We believe the speaker is committed to meaningful tort reform for the state of Oklahoma,” 

said Rep. Fred Morgan, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, which handled Hiett’s massive tort reform bill. “However, some of us question whether his current set of trousers can accommodate his enthusiasm.”

“There’s no question that (Hiett) is a stiff, rigid advocate of tort reform,” 

said Rep. David Braddock, D-Altus. “We are simply concerned that he is too stiff.” For his part, Hiett has agreed to remain behind a podium when discussing his massive package, as well as taking a cold shower immediately afterwards.

Lawmakers Can’t Discuss Size of OU’s Endowment With a Straight Face

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A bill that would require university officials to notify legislators of tuition increases was delayed last week as Senate debate turned to the size of OU’s endowment. 

  During a presentation by OU president David Boren, the issue of endowment was raised. “Would you say that the university is ‘well endowed’?” asked Sen. Owen Laughlin, R-Woodward.

 “Certainly, there’s no question that OU’s endowment is huge, and growing at a rapid rate,”  

  Boren replied. “Heh heh, he said ‘endowed’” noted Sen. Sam Helton, D-Lawton. For the next thirty minutes, Senators argued as to whether OU was more well endowed that OSU. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, rolled her eyes through the debate, unsure as to why her male counterparts were so amused by OU’s sizable funding.

  “I haven’t seen them giggle this much since we debated cockfighting,”

 she said. 

OU Breaks Ground On Brian Bosworth School of Acting

By William Holloway, Partisan Staff Reporter

With the star of “Stone Cold” in attendance, officials at the University of Oklahoma broke ground on the Brian Bosworth School of Acting. Bosworth, a former linebacker for the Sooners, played for the NFL’s Seattle Seahawks before abandoning football for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.

   He is perhaps best known for 1991’s “Stone Cold,” which won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Mullet. “The Boz” also starred in the 1997 television series “Lawless.” However, the show was pulled after one episode following concern that children would imitate the star’s dangerous haircut.

  OU President David Boren said it was time for the university to recognize the contributions of its most prolific thespian. Plans for the school were advanced when OU regents discovered nearly 200 square feet of the Norman campus that wasn’t already under construction. The outspoken actor said he was honored by the tribute.

 “It’s truly humbling to see OU coming together to recognize how incredibly awesome I am.”

   Some have said that OU’s theater department should be named for OU alumnus Ed Harris, the Oscar-nominated actor known for his performances in “The Right Stuff” and “The Truman Show.” However, it was decided that Harris’ penchant for thoughtful, non-kickass films was out of line with traditional Oklahoma values.