Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.

   Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae, 

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.” 

  Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

 “Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

 said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine ‘A Little Creepy’

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman's shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 

  "It's a little creepy," conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes."

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, "recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day... declaring an emergency." The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 

  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

   Having fixed all of the state's other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake... ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

Balkman Drags Toure To Room 101 To ‘Discuss’ House Rule Changes

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –

  Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City, have been debating controversial changes to House rules since the first day of the session. However, negotiations are going much smoother since relocating to Room 101, a spokesman for Balkman reported. 

  Situated deep within the Ministry of Truth, Room 101 is often used by the Party to destroy those who would resist it. 

  Upon exiting the room, lawmakers are often more responsive to counter-proposals. In this case, Rep. Toure agreed that; 

"he who controls the House controls the present, and he who controls the present controls the future." 

Toure also noted that he loved Big Brother.