SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power, Bourbon

“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
 to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
 – Rep. Todd Hiett

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 

  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

  Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 

  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

  Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.

   Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae, 

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.” 

  Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

 “Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

 said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks

By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter

   If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa. 

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.” 

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

   “Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,” 

he said. “What’s with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus 19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton blends. What’s up with that?”

   In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in the Oklahoma Constitution. A reprieve from tornadoes backs up Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban would help economic development in Oklahoma. 

  Democrats had previously disputed that argument based on the fact that it made no friggin’ sense. Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath would drive down insurance prices which, along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will function as a panacea for the troubled state. 

  “If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,” 

Williamson said. So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts with a standard-of-living and per-capita income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy, obesity and suicide.

Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage

Sen. James Williamson

The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the 'persons of interest' in  a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.

We're working on a few stories which aren't ready yet. We'll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

Stories We're Still Working On..

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We'll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

Lawmaker Bursts Into Flames Following Exposure To Logic

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

 “It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,” 

  Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals. 

  At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

   Normally, Williams said, such bills are encased in a layer of homophobia, which protects them from exposure to common sense. Williams said that, in his haste to pander, Sullivan had forgotten to stress how homosexuals were the single greatest threat to Oklahomans’ way of life. “Had Sullivan couched his arguments in more hysterical, reactionary terms, it would have been impossible for logic to enter the room,” said Williams. “Unfortunately, outside observers were able to see that HB 1746 didn’t create any jobs, lower any taxes, or in any way raise anyone’s quality of life.”

  In addition, Williams said Sullivan’s arguments were weakened by their inability to be reconciled with Republican political theory. This left his reasoning especially flammable.

 “The Republican platform favors smaller centralized government and more local control. By denying county and municipal governments the ability to determine their own policies, (Sullivan) was in complete contradiction with the foundation of his party.” 

  Had the lawmaker put forth a position consistent with this platform, he might have been able to survive an analytical assault, Williams explained. Some have theorized that Sullivan’s reasoning was so self-contradictory that the inherent paradoxes actually ripped a hole in the fabric of space. “Traditionally, it was the Oklahoma Democrats that favored these types of policies,” said Jim Wiley, associate professor of history and quantum physics at the University of Oklahoma.

 “Seeing an Oklahoma Republican propose the bill might have been more than the time-space continuum could bear.” In any case, authorities are urging caution as the bill advances to the Senate. Williams and Wiley both suggested that lawmakers place the bill aside until it can be supported with something more than paranoid ranting.

EXCLUSIVE!! PARTISAN UNCOVERS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

The House Sergeant-at-Arms found this note crumpled up in the House Gallery, after a 'Queer Nation' group attended the House floor session on Valentine's Day. 

It proved to be the 'smoking gun' that Sally Kern suspected all along.

Other stories in our  tipline:

– Seeking to lower drug costs, state stoners asking to re-import pot from Canada 

– Commissioners say new e-bribe system will speed up county operations 

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com 

Cruise on over to 

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.” 

Read about our state’s struggles with 

1. cockfighting, 
2. meth, 
3. divorce, 
4. teen pregnancy, 
5. gay marriage 
6. and more.   

  Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.