Attorney General Files Restraining Order Against Lawmaker’s Mustache

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said. 

  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

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In other news, we're working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 

–  SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face 

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

“Them there's that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,” 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

   An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”