Tuesday, August 6, 2019

The 'Smaligo vs Toure' Cage Match

Our crack reporting team is working feverishly to get the scoop on these stories...

– Smaligo, Toure to settle differences in steel cage match


– Liberal activist judges rule ‘Right to Party’ inalienable

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Local Student Honestly Thinks He’s First To Make Peacepipe/Marijuana Connection

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a
symbol of goodwill and peace.  A similar pipe designed
for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high-
school students have snickered about the possible connection
between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.
   Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class. 

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

 said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.
   For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

 “Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Lawmaker Bursts Into Flames Following Exposure To Logic

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

 “It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,” 

  Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals. 
  At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony. “For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

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