Sunday, August 7, 2005

The 'Smaligo vs Toure' Cage Match

Our crack reporting team is working feverishly to get the scoop on these stories...

– Smaligo, Toure to settle differences in steel cage match


– Liberal activist judges rule ‘Right to Party’ inalienable

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Local Student Honestly Thinks He’s First To Make Peacepipe/Marijuana Connection

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a
symbol of goodwill and peace.  A similar pipe designed
for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high-
school students have snickered about the possible connection
between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.
   Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class. 

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

 said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.
   For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

 “Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Lawmaker Bursts Into Flames Following Exposure To Logic

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

 “It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,” 

  Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals. 
  At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

EXCLUSIVE!! PARTISAN UNCOVERS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

Other stories in our  tipline:

– Seeking to lower drug costs, state stoners asking to re-import pot from Canada 

– Commissioners say new e-bribe system will speed up county operations 

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Bill Makes Democratic Party Oklahoma’s Official Dinosaur

Rep. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo, with Sen. Gene Stipe D-McAlester
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
  Last week, the Senate voted to make the Democratic Party, politicus obsoletum, Oklahoma’s official dinosaur. Senate Concurrent Resolution 3, by Sen. Jeff Rabon, D-Hugo, is designed to give the beast its proper place in state history.

 “Like the dinosaurs, the Oklahoma Democratic Party ruled for generations, yet ultimately became extinct when it failed to evolve,”

said Rabon. “It was also notable for having a huge, lumbering body and a brain the size of a walnut.” 
  The resolution passed unanimously, but not before Republicans added a small amendment on the Senate floor, correcting a scrivener’s error which had implied Earth was more than 6,000 years old. Sen. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo B

Sunday, July 3, 2005

Teacher’s Union Reports Little Success From ‘Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch’ Day

Rep. Mark Liotta, R-Tulsa, collects a crotchful of foot
from a state teacher outside the Capitol.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
Officials for the Oklahoma Education Association are concerned that “Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch” Day is not producing the results they desire. At the annual event, teachers from across the state rally at the Capitol.
  They then proceed to assault lawmakers, striking them between the legs and below the waistline as a way of drawing attention to educational issues facing the state.

 “In the past, a swift kick to the groin has been good way to get someone’s attention,” 

said Daisy Perosco, an official for the organization. “Once (lawmakers) are rolling and screaming on the ground, we can make our case for the importance of hiking teacher benefits.” However, some are concerned that the event has yielded diminishing returns.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Senator Calling For Bipartisan Approach To Voting Republican

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
In a press conference last week, Sen. Glenn Coffee called for an end to “business as usual” in state government.

 “For too long, the legislature has been bogged down in ugly, partisan disputes,” 

said Coffee, R-Oklahoma City. “It is time to put the politics of division behind us. Now is time to work with the Democrats, and take a truly bipartisan approach to voting Republican.” 
From the Senate’s college bond proposal to the House’s workers compensation reforms, conflicts between the GOP and Democrats have marred the legislative process. Coffee said it was time for lawmakers to reach across the aisle, and work hand-in-hand to unquestionably advance GOP proposals.
 “As politicians, we talk about ‘bipartisanship’ all the time, yet will still see some lawmakers trying to thwart the process with their opposing opinions,” said Coffee.

 “I’m challenging my colleagues in the Senate and House to stand together, and say that we won’t let ugly, partisan politics keep us from voting Republican.”

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Yellow Ribbons Help State Troopers Target Subversives

Other headlines we're pursuing;

– Stoned lawmaker votes to order pizza

– Bill Graves checks watch, resumes waiting for Rapture 

– RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937 - 2005 

Toby Keith Fights For Drinkin’, Fightin’ Deregulation

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
  Country music superstar Toby Keith is asking lawmakers to deregulate the state’s drinkin’ and fightin’ industries. The 43-year-old Oklahoma native says government oversight has stunted the field. 

“Some times you just gotta get drunk and put a boot up someone’s ass,”

 said Keith.
   Currently, state laws regulate the time, place and manner in which an individual may consume alcohol. Keith says such laws prevent many from entering the profession on a full time basis. 
  Furthermore, said Keith, current anti-fighting laws discourage the use of pool cues and broken beer bottles. 
  Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Hanna, will carry a similar bill in the Senate, along with an amendment that will legalize kicking city boys’ scrawny asses.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys ‘Oklahoma’s Most Ill’


OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness. 
“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher, 

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.” 

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn. 

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

 Cain asked. 
“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

Sunday, June 5, 2005

Coburn, MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

 Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts 

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
 Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation's chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America's ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush. 
  As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed. 
  However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking. 
  Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

Rep. Kris Steele
We're still working on these breaking headlines:

 – Jay Parmley booted for endorsing actual Democrat to lead national party


 – Despite awesome name, Kris Steele isn’t a porn star

We're sorry for the delays, but good journalism requires a commitment to the facts.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com 
Cruise on over to 

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.” 

Read about our state’s struggles with 
  1. cockfighting, 
  2. meth, 
  3. divorce, 
  4. teen pregnancy, 
  5. gay marriage 
  6. and more.   
  Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Balkman Drags Toure To Room 101 To ‘Discuss’ House Rule Changes

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
  Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City, have been debating controversial changes to House rules since the first day of the session. However, negotiations are going much smoother since relocating to Room 101, a spokesman for Balkman reported. 
  Situated deep within the Ministry of Truth, Room 101 is often used by the Party to destroy those who would resist it. 
  Upon exiting the room, lawmakers are often more responsive to counter-proposals. In this case, Rep. Toure agreed that; 

"he who controls the House controls the present, and he who controls the present controls the future." 

Toure also noted that he loved Big Brother.

Sunday, May 8, 2005

Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to sources within the House of Representatives, House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, is dismayed that Gov. Brad Henry has grown a pair of brass round ones. 

  “I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett. 

  Upon the GOP takeover of the Oklahoma Legislature in the November elections, Republicans were expected to whip out their legislation in the face of astonished Democrats. At the time, Henry was expected to offer feeble counter proposals, including “EDGEpalooza 2005: Reaching for Excellence and Rubbing It all over our Bodies.” 
  However, the passage of lottery and cigarette tax measures has prompted a swelling in Henry’s package, and he has mobilized his mass of confidence to pre-empt Republican legislation. Last week, Henry was seen whipping out his massive prescription drug plan at a press conference.

Sunday, May 1, 2005

Republicans Amend Bible To Remove Inconvenient Passages

  Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda 

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
  One week into the 50th Legislative Session, House Republicans have forced through a bill that would amend the New Testament of the Holy Bible. Rep. John Trebilcock, R-Broken Arrow, said the changes were necessary to remove certain contradictions with orthodox GOP ideology. 
  "Clearly, it's embarrassing that so many aspects of our platform are opposed to key Christian principles. Saturated as we are in Social Darwinist special-interest money, we feel it would be easier and more efficient to simply amend the Bible" said Trebilcock. 
  Among the passages to be edited is Matthew 7:1, commonly referred to as "The Golden Rule." Traditionally, this verse admonishes readers to treat others as they would like to be treated. However, under the Republican package, the line would be modified to specifically exclude homosexuals.

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