Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 
  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.
  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.
  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

Friday, October 26, 2018

OKC Legislator's Alter Ego

Other rumors we're working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn 

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’ 

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”
   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Legislator Asks Brad Edwards To 'Please Get Out of Our Corner'

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years. 
Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on. 

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.” 

said Branan.
   KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.
 “He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Stories We're Still Working On..

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We'll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine ‘A Little Creepy’

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman's shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 
  "It's a little creepy," conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes."

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, "recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day... declaring an emergency." The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 
  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Nobody Really Knows Who Amended HB 2355

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 
The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 
  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

Friday, October 5, 2018

The Capitol Botox Epidemic

Other stories we're working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to 'plausible')..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

As Calls For Parity Increase, Tribal Retailers Find Themselves Struggling To Give a Shit

Due to tribal sovereignty and tax exemptions,
 luxurious tribal smoke shops such as this one
 enjoy a price advantage. In the background,
smoke rises from a mountain of broken treaties.
By A. Bill Murray, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  If you listen closely, a new refrain can be heard echoing across the plains of Oklahoma, bubbling up from the streams and carried on the whisper of the wind. "That's not fair." It's a phrase Joseph Coffey knows all too well.
   As proprietor of Joe's Smoke Stop outside of Tecumseh, the Citizen Pottawatomie tobacco merchant hears it all the time from his nontribal competitors. This legislative session has already seen the passage of Gov. Brad Henry's controversial gambling expansion bill, which allows Indian casinos to expand their gaming operations. Furthermore, the governor's cigarette tax proposal has raised opposition from nontribal tobacco retailers, who say that the bill will put them at a disadvantage compared to their Indian counterparts.
  The effects of tribal sovereignty have created an unequal playing field, leaving nontribal businesses fighting to compete and tribal merchants struggling to give a rat's ass. Fischer's Tobaccy Shacky has been the Bartlesville for generations, ever since the Cherokees were displaced so that white people could drill for oil. 

"I grew up in an Oklahoma with one flag, and I don't think it's fair that we say some people can do some things and some people can't."

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