Sunday, July 31, 2005

Local Student Honestly Thinks He’s First To Make Peacepipe/Marijuana Connection

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a
symbol of goodwill and peace.  A similar pipe designed
for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high-
school students have snickered about the possible connection
between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.
   Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class. 

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

 said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.
   For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

 “Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Lawmaker Bursts Into Flames Following Exposure To Logic

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

 “It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,” 

  Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals. 
  At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

EXCLUSIVE!! PARTISAN UNCOVERS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

Other stories in our  tipline:

– Seeking to lower drug costs, state stoners asking to re-import pot from Canada 

– Commissioners say new e-bribe system will speed up county operations 

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Bill Makes Democratic Party Oklahoma’s Official Dinosaur

Rep. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo, with Sen. Gene Stipe D-McAlester
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
  Last week, the Senate voted to make the Democratic Party, politicus obsoletum, Oklahoma’s official dinosaur. Senate Concurrent Resolution 3, by Sen. Jeff Rabon, D-Hugo, is designed to give the beast its proper place in state history.

 “Like the dinosaurs, the Oklahoma Democratic Party ruled for generations, yet ultimately became extinct when it failed to evolve,”

said Rabon. “It was also notable for having a huge, lumbering body and a brain the size of a walnut.” 
  The resolution passed unanimously, but not before Republicans added a small amendment on the Senate floor, correcting a scrivener’s error which had implied Earth was more than 6,000 years old. Sen. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo B

Sunday, July 3, 2005

Teacher’s Union Reports Little Success From ‘Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch’ Day

Rep. Mark Liotta, R-Tulsa, collects a crotchful of foot
from a state teacher outside the Capitol.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
Officials for the Oklahoma Education Association are concerned that “Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch” Day is not producing the results they desire. At the annual event, teachers from across the state rally at the Capitol.
  They then proceed to assault lawmakers, striking them between the legs and below the waistline as a way of drawing attention to educational issues facing the state.

 “In the past, a swift kick to the groin has been good way to get someone’s attention,” 

said Daisy Perosco, an official for the organization. “Once (lawmakers) are rolling and screaming on the ground, we can make our case for the importance of hiking teacher benefits.” However, some are concerned that the event has yielded diminishing returns.

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