Sunday, June 26, 2005

Senator Calling For Bipartisan Approach To Voting Republican

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
In a press conference last week, Sen. Glenn Coffee called for an end to “business as usual” in state government.

 “For too long, the legislature has been bogged down in ugly, partisan disputes,” 

said Coffee, R-Oklahoma City. “It is time to put the politics of division behind us. Now is time to work with the Democrats, and take a truly bipartisan approach to voting Republican.” 
From the Senate’s college bond proposal to the House’s workers compensation reforms, conflicts between the GOP and Democrats have marred the legislative process. Coffee said it was time for lawmakers to reach across the aisle, and work hand-in-hand to unquestionably advance GOP proposals.
 “As politicians, we talk about ‘bipartisanship’ all the time, yet will still see some lawmakers trying to thwart the process with their opposing opinions,” said Coffee.

 “I’m challenging my colleagues in the Senate and House to stand together, and say that we won’t let ugly, partisan politics keep us from voting Republican.”

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Yellow Ribbons Help State Troopers Target Subversives

Other headlines we're pursuing;

– Stoned lawmaker votes to order pizza

– Bill Graves checks watch, resumes waiting for Rapture 

– RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937 - 2005 

Toby Keith Fights For Drinkin’, Fightin’ Deregulation

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 
  Country music superstar Toby Keith is asking lawmakers to deregulate the state’s drinkin’ and fightin’ industries. The 43-year-old Oklahoma native says government oversight has stunted the field. 

“Some times you just gotta get drunk and put a boot up someone’s ass,”

 said Keith.
   Currently, state laws regulate the time, place and manner in which an individual may consume alcohol. Keith says such laws prevent many from entering the profession on a full time basis. 
  Furthermore, said Keith, current anti-fighting laws discourage the use of pool cues and broken beer bottles. 
  Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Hanna, will carry a similar bill in the Senate, along with an amendment that will legalize kicking city boys’ scrawny asses.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys ‘Oklahoma’s Most Ill’


OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness. 
“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher, 

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.” 

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn. 

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

 Cain asked. 
“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

Sunday, June 5, 2005

Coburn, MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

 Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts 

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
 Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation's chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America's ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush. 
  As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed. 
  However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking. 
  Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.

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