Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Trial Lawyers Seen Twirling Mustaches, Tying Women To Railroad Tracks

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” 
  After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City.
   With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.”
  Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Senate Celebrates ‘Penny Williams Awareness Day’

Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa 
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. 
  “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche.
   Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler. 

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill."

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

Sen. Brogdon looks on as Sen. Williamson speaks
By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter
   If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa. 

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.” 

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Bob Anthony Survives Mount Doom


  We're suffering the ravages of holiday party circuit. That means we have more juicy stories to track down and too much eggnog weighing us down.
   Here's just a few of our possible stories for next week...

– Perverted lawmaker sad to learn real definition of ‘animal husbandry’ 


– Sen. Herb Rozell has your term limits right here, buddy


– Turpen eats Hargis 


– Bob Anthony plunges into fires of Mount Doom following scuffle with hobbit. Whereabouts of ‘Precious’ unknown


 – Boren announces fundraising drive to expand campus, build mind-control space laser 


– With SR19, Sen. Nichols appeals to Washington Lady Warriors Class 2A Girls Basketball State Champions demographic

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