Friday, November 30, 2018

Attorney General Says Anti Bullying Laws Cover 'Lampoon Journalism'

If we're not publishing next week, it's probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel's uber secret 'Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts'.
Otherwise we're working on..

– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor

– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform 

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Governor Offers Puppy To Legislature In Exchange For State Budget Deal

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – If legislators are good boys and girls, and get a state budget compiled, they will get a puppy, Gov. Brad Henry announced last week.
   The offer is the latest in a series of political maneuvers as Democrats and Republicans wrestle over appropriations issues. “I've thought it over and, if the Legislature can produce a budget that incorporates funding for all-day kindergarten, we'll go to the pound and get a puppy,”
 Henry said. 
  “Yay!” said state Democrats. “Certainly, we had hoped for puppy and ice cream, but we are willing to compromise,” said Senate appropriation chair Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore However, soon after the announcement of the offer, Republican leadership accused the governor of playing politics. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Pettigrew Seeks Bi-partisan Approach To Political Pandering, Butt Kissing

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
Rep. Wayne Pettigrew accused his fellow Republicans this week of actively trying to undermine his political career in retaliation for his support of all Democratic proposals that attract media attention. 

“This mean-spirited attack simply reduces Republican chances of gaining control of the Oklahoma House of Representatives and illustrates the need for the type of non-partisan leadership I provide in front of cameras each and every day,” 

Pettigrew said. The Edmond Republican first suspected his popularity in the Republican caucus had ebbed when he was reassigned to a new office that he later learned doubled as a public bathroom/leper colony. He said those suspicions were further confirmed when he was given cleanup duty in the office. Republicans said the relocation was strategic. 

Friday, November 16, 2018

Oil Surges Past Children As State’s Most Precious Natural Resource

Children continue to absorb oil assets for frivolous desires
By Raymond Gary, Partisan Staff Reporter
   In the past two years, oil has surged past children as Oklahoma's most precious natural resource, an industry analyst said last week. Gordon McLain, speaking at a luncheon for energy executives and state lawmakers, said aggressive incentives for oil and gas companies would prove far more profitable than spending money on the state's children.

 "In the next three to five years, oil will continue to move to $60 or $70 a barrel. At the same time, we see the market for children continuing to decline,"

 said McLain. 

"Given the state's limited budget, it would generate more wealth to invest in oil, rather than spending the time and money it takes to make the average child profitable." 

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Cuss Fines Remain State Law

We're working on a few stories, but football is also exciting. More stories will post next week.

– GOP may replace Hiett with someone who doesn’t scare children.
– Controversial cow-tipping legislation draws criticism from rural teensPage D

Fun with state statutes:
The House Ethics Committee decided not to act on legislation to remove a statute banning profane swearing.

 “Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense.” 

–2001 O.S. 21§905

Friday, November 9, 2018

Moore City Hall Orders Giant Bubble Wrap For Command Center

More details to come...

Other rumors we're working on include;

– Hepatitis treatment industry praises failure of tattoo regulation 

– Kelly Ogle’s 2 cents worth every penny 

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Nearly 90% of Democrat genda ‘for the children’

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.” 

“Children are our most precious natural resource,” 

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay. 

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.” 

  Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.
   Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid. 
  “I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”

Friday, November 2, 2018

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 
  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

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