Friday, September 28, 2018

Hiett Asked To Wear Looser Pants When Discussing Lawsuit Reform

Some say speaker’s enthusiasm is too obvious

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Speaker Todd Hiett has been asked to wear more loose-fitting pants when he discusses the issue of lawsuit reform.
  Hiett, R-Kellyville, has made tort reform a key component of the House Republican agenda, but many say that his enthusiasm for the issue is distracting, even disturbing. 

“We understand he has a sizable tort reform package,”

 said House Democratic Leader Jari Askins, D-Duncan, “We just don’t need to be reminded of that every day.” The call for baggier pants has bipartisan support. 

  “We believe the speaker is committed to meaningful tort reform for the state of Oklahoma,” 

said Rep. Fred Morgan, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, which handled Hiett’s massive tort reform bill. “However, some of us question whether his current set of trousers can accommodate his enthusiasm.”

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Lawmakers Can’t Discuss Size of OU’s Endowment With a Straight Face

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A bill that would require university officials to notify legislators of tuition increases was delayed last week as Senate debate turned to the size of OU’s endowment. 
  During a presentation by OU president David Boren, the issue of endowment was raised. “Would you say that the university is ‘well endowed’?” asked Sen. Owen Laughlin, R-Woodward.

 “Certainly, there’s no question that OU’s endowment is huge, and growing at a rapid rate,”  

  Boren replied. “Heh heh, he said ‘endowed’” noted Sen. Sam Helton, D-Lawton. For the next thirty minutes, Senators argued as to whether OU was more well endowed that OSU. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, rolled her eyes through the debate, unsure as to why her male counterparts were so amused by OU’s sizable funding.

  “I haven’t seen them giggle this much since we debated cockfighting,”

 she said. 

Friday, September 21, 2018

OU Breaks Ground On Brian Bosworth School of Acting

By William Holloway, Partisan Staff Reporter
With the star of “Stone Cold” in attendance, officials at the University of Oklahoma broke ground on the Brian Bosworth School of Acting. Bosworth, a former linebacker for the Sooners, played for the NFL’s Seattle Seahawks before abandoning football for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
   He is perhaps best known for 1991’s “Stone Cold,” which won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Mullet. “The Boz” also starred in the 1997 television series “Lawless.” However, the show was pulled after one episode following concern that children would imitate the star’s dangerous haircut.
  OU President David Boren said it was time for the university to recognize the contributions of its most prolific thespian. Plans for the school were advanced when OU regents discovered nearly 200 square feet of the Norman campus that wasn’t already under construction. The outspoken actor said he was honored by the tribute.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Commission Recommends Creation of At Least Three More Ogle brothers

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Seeking to boost the state’s supply of tall, square-jawed, slightly condescending newscasters, a bipartisan panel has recommended the immediate creation of three more Ogle brothers. 

  “Kelly, Kent and Ken are doing an admirable job, but Ogles are the Baldwins of the heartland, and we feel that a strong Ogle presence is required to foster economic development, especially in the rural areas.” 

  In its six-month study, the commission found that large areas of southeastern Oklahoma, as well as the Panhandle region, lack basic Ogle amenities such as Kelly’s two cents or Kent’s puppy-dog eyes. Some expressed concern about the report. While most agreed that more Ogles were necessary, some suggested that a shortage of “K” names should limit the number of newscasters created. “I mean, we’re already stretching it,” said one official. 

Friday, September 14, 2018

Oklahoma Upgrades To Doublewide

Other Stories we're working on...

– House Democrats admit they’re jealous of GOP’s huge caucus 

– Study: State children suspect Sen. James Williamson to be Lord Voldemort 

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Corn Announces Resignation To Run For Student Council

 OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Poteau, announced his resignation Wednesday in order to pursue a vacant seat in his high school’s student council. 

“I feel that my experience in state government has given me the skills necessary to accomplish meaningful change for the students of Howe High School.” 

Corn said that, if elected, he would work on getting a Coke machine in the senior cafeteria and maybe moving the prom to an off-campus location.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Rural Democrats Announce Deal To Sell souls In Exchange For Farm Subsidies

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Rural lawmakers have announced an agreement to sell their souls in exchange for farm subsidies. Under the terms of the deal, farm subsidies would be purchased from House leadership in exchange for the core principles of the Democratic Party.
  Rep. Wed Hilliard, D-Sulphur, said it made sense for the group to jettison excess baggage. "As Oklahoma Democrats grow more conservative, we find our liberal ideals aren't being used," Hilliard said. "Since they're just gathering dust, we have no problem getting rid of them in exchange for sweet, sweet farm subsidies." "Mmmm... Farm subsidies," said Rep. R.C. Pruett, D-Antlers.
   Speaker of the House Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, said he is delighted with the deal.

 "Working with conservative Democrats, I was able to purchase several core values that had blocked meaningful workers comp reform for the state of Oklahoma. With these principles out of the way, it was much easier to push through tort reform as well."

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

‘Frustated’ Meacham Puts Governor In Time-out

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Citing the need “to get some work done around here,” Department of Finance Director Scott Meacham put Gov. Brad Henry in time-out Wednesday.
   “I’m just frustrated right now,” Meacham said of the action. “I’m trying to broker delicate deals between tobacco retailers, tribes, horse racers and others, and he’s jumping up and down bugging me to take him to Sonic. I didn’t want to bring him to work with me, but Susan (Meacham’s wife) had to go out of town and so now he’s following me around the Capitol.” Meachum put Henry in time-out for 20 minutes while he worked on gathering support for legislation that would raise the sales tax on tobacco.
  “I feel a little guilty about it,” Meacham said, “but I really needed to concentrate. I’ve got a job to do here and, if I let him run around this place, he’d just end up giving a press conference or something.” Meacham said that, to make it up to the governor, he would take him to Sonic after work.

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