Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Freaky-ass Buffalo Statues Best Viewed on Ecstasy

Above: One of Oklahoma’s City’s new
“Spirit of the Buffalo” statues that is freaking awesome
when you’re totally out of your skull, man. 
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a new study by the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce, the city’s freaky psychedelic fiberglass buffalo statues are most enjoyable when residents are tripping balls. 
  The “Spirit of the Buffalo” project is designed to increase awareness of nature conservation. Already, the exhibition has drawn rave reviews from residents whether they be stoned, fucked up, trippin’ or hammered. “Dude, I am blitzed out of my fuckin’ mind here,” said Shane Boyd, Dairy Queen cashier and part-time skateboarder. 

“Is that buffalo supposed to be wearing a tie?” 

he asked, vaguing gesturing toward a buffalo statue that was, in fact, supposed to be wearing a tie. Sponsored by local corporations and decorated by a variety of artists, the downtown statues have been alternately described as freaky and trippy.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Female Lawmakers Back Mandatory Foreplay Proposal

By Johnston Murray - Partisan Staff Reporter
 A bipartisan coalition of female lawmakers is backing a bill that would require men to engage in foreplay for at least 10 minutes prior to any act of sexual intercourse. Supporters say that HB 24601 would increase the state’s cuddling and snuggling index. Oklahoma currently ranks 47th in the nation for pre-coital interaction. 
  Rep. Sue Tibbs, R-Tulsa said; 

“We don’t think it’s unreasonable for Oklahoma’s men to invest some time in pillow talk, hugging and kissing,”  “Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about the freaky-deaky sex, we just think that guys should have to work for it.”

   “This bill would help lower Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate,” said Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City. “Most Oklahoma men want to spend about five minutes getting their groove on." Monson said that, if men were required to actually talk to their lovers, many would probably opt for Internet porn instead. Female backing for the bill was bipartisan, with Democrats saying that the bill would help the children and Republicans arguing that it would boost economic development. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage

Sen. James Williamson
We're working on a few stories which aren't ready yet. We'll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Panel Recommends Feeding Carroll Fisher To Shoeless Orphans

  The committee investigating embattled insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher has wrapped up their investigation. 
  Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City chaired the commission, and said that, rather than calling for Fisher’s impeachment, they will simply feed him to a collection of shoeless orphans.
   Fisher is facing accusations that he stole money from a charity he operated. The charity was supposed to provide shoes to poor kids.
   Republicans say Fisher collected money, but spent it on booze and hookers. Democrats merely assume he spent it on booze and hookers. 

Friday, November 30, 2018

Attorney General Says Anti Bullying Laws Cover 'Lampoon Journalism'

If we're not publishing next week, it's probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel's uber secret 'Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts'.
Otherwise we're working on..

– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor

– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform 

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Governor Offers Puppy To Legislature In Exchange For State Budget Deal

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – If legislators are good boys and girls, and get a state budget compiled, they will get a puppy, Gov. Brad Henry announced last week.
   The offer is the latest in a series of political maneuvers as Democrats and Republicans wrestle over appropriations issues. “I've thought it over and, if the Legislature can produce a budget that incorporates funding for all-day kindergarten, we'll go to the pound and get a puppy,”
 Henry said. 
  “Yay!” said state Democrats. “Certainly, we had hoped for puppy and ice cream, but we are willing to compromise,” said Senate appropriation chair Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore However, soon after the announcement of the offer, Republican leadership accused the governor of playing politics. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Pettigrew Seeks Bi-partisan Approach To Political Pandering, Butt Kissing

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
Rep. Wayne Pettigrew accused his fellow Republicans this week of actively trying to undermine his political career in retaliation for his support of all Democratic proposals that attract media attention. 

“This mean-spirited attack simply reduces Republican chances of gaining control of the Oklahoma House of Representatives and illustrates the need for the type of non-partisan leadership I provide in front of cameras each and every day,” 

Pettigrew said. The Edmond Republican first suspected his popularity in the Republican caucus had ebbed when he was reassigned to a new office that he later learned doubled as a public bathroom/leper colony. He said those suspicions were further confirmed when he was given cleanup duty in the office. Republicans said the relocation was strategic. 

Friday, November 16, 2018

Oil Surges Past Children As State’s Most Precious Natural Resource

Children continue to absorb oil assets for frivolous desires
By Raymond Gary, Partisan Staff Reporter
   In the past two years, oil has surged past children as Oklahoma's most precious natural resource, an industry analyst said last week. Gordon McLain, speaking at a luncheon for energy executives and state lawmakers, said aggressive incentives for oil and gas companies would prove far more profitable than spending money on the state's children.

 "In the next three to five years, oil will continue to move to $60 or $70 a barrel. At the same time, we see the market for children continuing to decline,"

 said McLain. 

"Given the state's limited budget, it would generate more wealth to invest in oil, rather than spending the time and money it takes to make the average child profitable." 

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Cuss Fines Remain State Law

We're working on a few stories, but football is also exciting. More stories will post next week.

– GOP may replace Hiett with someone who doesn’t scare children.
– Controversial cow-tipping legislation draws criticism from rural teensPage D

Fun with state statutes:
The House Ethics Committee decided not to act on legislation to remove a statute banning profane swearing.

 “Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense.” 

–2001 O.S. 21§905

Friday, November 9, 2018

Moore City Hall Orders Giant Bubble Wrap For Command Center

More details to come...

Other rumors we're working on include;

– Hepatitis treatment industry praises failure of tattoo regulation 

– Kelly Ogle’s 2 cents worth every penny 

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Nearly 90% of Democrat genda ‘for the children’

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.” 

“Children are our most precious natural resource,” 

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay. 

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.” 

  Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.
   Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid. 
  “I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”

Friday, November 2, 2018

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 
  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 
  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.
  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.
  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

Friday, October 26, 2018

OKC Legislator's Alter Ego

Other rumors we're working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn 

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’ 

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”
   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Legislator Asks Brad Edwards To 'Please Get Out of Our Corner'

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years. 
Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on. 

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.” 

said Branan.
   KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.
 “He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Stories We're Still Working On..

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We'll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine ‘A Little Creepy’

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman's shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 
  "It's a little creepy," conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes."

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, "recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day... declaring an emergency." The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 
  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Nobody Really Knows Who Amended HB 2355

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 
The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 
  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

Friday, October 5, 2018

The Capitol Botox Epidemic

Other stories we're working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to 'plausible')..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

As Calls For Parity Increase, Tribal Retailers Find Themselves Struggling To Give a Shit

Due to tribal sovereignty and tax exemptions,
 luxurious tribal smoke shops such as this one
 enjoy a price advantage. In the background,
smoke rises from a mountain of broken treaties.
By A. Bill Murray, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  If you listen closely, a new refrain can be heard echoing across the plains of Oklahoma, bubbling up from the streams and carried on the whisper of the wind. "That's not fair." It's a phrase Joseph Coffey knows all too well.
   As proprietor of Joe's Smoke Stop outside of Tecumseh, the Citizen Pottawatomie tobacco merchant hears it all the time from his nontribal competitors. This legislative session has already seen the passage of Gov. Brad Henry's controversial gambling expansion bill, which allows Indian casinos to expand their gaming operations. Furthermore, the governor's cigarette tax proposal has raised opposition from nontribal tobacco retailers, who say that the bill will put them at a disadvantage compared to their Indian counterparts.
  The effects of tribal sovereignty have created an unequal playing field, leaving nontribal businesses fighting to compete and tribal merchants struggling to give a rat's ass. Fischer's Tobaccy Shacky has been the Bartlesville for generations, ever since the Cherokees were displaced so that white people could drill for oil. 

"I grew up in an Oklahoma with one flag, and I don't think it's fair that we say some people can do some things and some people can't."

Friday, September 28, 2018

Hiett Asked To Wear Looser Pants When Discussing Lawsuit Reform

Some say speaker’s enthusiasm is too obvious

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Speaker Todd Hiett has been asked to wear more loose-fitting pants when he discusses the issue of lawsuit reform.
  Hiett, R-Kellyville, has made tort reform a key component of the House Republican agenda, but many say that his enthusiasm for the issue is distracting, even disturbing. 

“We understand he has a sizable tort reform package,”

 said House Democratic Leader Jari Askins, D-Duncan, “We just don’t need to be reminded of that every day.” The call for baggier pants has bipartisan support. 

  “We believe the speaker is committed to meaningful tort reform for the state of Oklahoma,” 

said Rep. Fred Morgan, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, which handled Hiett’s massive tort reform bill. “However, some of us question whether his current set of trousers can accommodate his enthusiasm.”

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Lawmakers Can’t Discuss Size of OU’s Endowment With a Straight Face

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A bill that would require university officials to notify legislators of tuition increases was delayed last week as Senate debate turned to the size of OU’s endowment. 
  During a presentation by OU president David Boren, the issue of endowment was raised. “Would you say that the university is ‘well endowed’?” asked Sen. Owen Laughlin, R-Woodward.

 “Certainly, there’s no question that OU’s endowment is huge, and growing at a rapid rate,”  

  Boren replied. “Heh heh, he said ‘endowed’” noted Sen. Sam Helton, D-Lawton. For the next thirty minutes, Senators argued as to whether OU was more well endowed that OSU. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, rolled her eyes through the debate, unsure as to why her male counterparts were so amused by OU’s sizable funding.

  “I haven’t seen them giggle this much since we debated cockfighting,”

 she said. 

Friday, September 21, 2018

OU Breaks Ground On Brian Bosworth School of Acting

By William Holloway, Partisan Staff Reporter
With the star of “Stone Cold” in attendance, officials at the University of Oklahoma broke ground on the Brian Bosworth School of Acting. Bosworth, a former linebacker for the Sooners, played for the NFL’s Seattle Seahawks before abandoning football for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
   He is perhaps best known for 1991’s “Stone Cold,” which won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Mullet. “The Boz” also starred in the 1997 television series “Lawless.” However, the show was pulled after one episode following concern that children would imitate the star’s dangerous haircut.
  OU President David Boren said it was time for the university to recognize the contributions of its most prolific thespian. Plans for the school were advanced when OU regents discovered nearly 200 square feet of the Norman campus that wasn’t already under construction. The outspoken actor said he was honored by the tribute.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Commission Recommends Creation of At Least Three More Ogle brothers

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Seeking to boost the state’s supply of tall, square-jawed, slightly condescending newscasters, a bipartisan panel has recommended the immediate creation of three more Ogle brothers. 

  “Kelly, Kent and Ken are doing an admirable job, but Ogles are the Baldwins of the heartland, and we feel that a strong Ogle presence is required to foster economic development, especially in the rural areas.” 

  In its six-month study, the commission found that large areas of southeastern Oklahoma, as well as the Panhandle region, lack basic Ogle amenities such as Kelly’s two cents or Kent’s puppy-dog eyes. Some expressed concern about the report. While most agreed that more Ogles were necessary, some suggested that a shortage of “K” names should limit the number of newscasters created. “I mean, we’re already stretching it,” said one official. 

Friday, September 14, 2018

Oklahoma Upgrades To Doublewide

Other Stories we're working on...

– House Democrats admit they’re jealous of GOP’s huge caucus 

– Study: State children suspect Sen. James Williamson to be Lord Voldemort 

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Corn Announces Resignation To Run For Student Council

 OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Poteau, announced his resignation Wednesday in order to pursue a vacant seat in his high school’s student council. 

“I feel that my experience in state government has given me the skills necessary to accomplish meaningful change for the students of Howe High School.” 

Corn said that, if elected, he would work on getting a Coke machine in the senior cafeteria and maybe moving the prom to an off-campus location.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Rural Democrats Announce Deal To Sell souls In Exchange For Farm Subsidies

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Rural lawmakers have announced an agreement to sell their souls in exchange for farm subsidies. Under the terms of the deal, farm subsidies would be purchased from House leadership in exchange for the core principles of the Democratic Party.
  Rep. Wed Hilliard, D-Sulphur, said it made sense for the group to jettison excess baggage. "As Oklahoma Democrats grow more conservative, we find our liberal ideals aren't being used," Hilliard said. "Since they're just gathering dust, we have no problem getting rid of them in exchange for sweet, sweet farm subsidies." "Mmmm... Farm subsidies," said Rep. R.C. Pruett, D-Antlers.
   Speaker of the House Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, said he is delighted with the deal.

 "Working with conservative Democrats, I was able to purchase several core values that had blocked meaningful workers comp reform for the state of Oklahoma. With these principles out of the way, it was much easier to push through tort reform as well."

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

‘Frustated’ Meacham Puts Governor In Time-out

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Citing the need “to get some work done around here,” Department of Finance Director Scott Meacham put Gov. Brad Henry in time-out Wednesday.
   “I’m just frustrated right now,” Meacham said of the action. “I’m trying to broker delicate deals between tobacco retailers, tribes, horse racers and others, and he’s jumping up and down bugging me to take him to Sonic. I didn’t want to bring him to work with me, but Susan (Meacham’s wife) had to go out of town and so now he’s following me around the Capitol.” Meachum put Henry in time-out for 20 minutes while he worked on gathering support for legislation that would raise the sales tax on tobacco.
  “I feel a little guilty about it,” Meacham said, “but I really needed to concentrate. I’ve got a job to do here and, if I let him run around this place, he’d just end up giving a press conference or something.” Meacham said that, to make it up to the governor, he would take him to Sonic after work.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Hobson Explains Frequent Absences

I’m Batman,’ says Senate President Pro Tempore

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) - Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson apologized to the Democratic caucus this week, saying that his frequent absences were due to his moonlighting as a caped crusader. "I don't know how else to say this," said Hobson, D-Lexington. "I'm Batman."
  Democratic senators have been critical of Hobson's performance this year, and some have asked the lawmaker to step aside. However, up until a recent caucus meeting, the Legislature was unaware of the Pro Tem's secret identity.
  Democratic caucus chair Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Howe, said the group would need time to process this new information. "With great power comes great responsibility," said Corn. "We understand that (Hobson) knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. However, the failure of Governor Henry's tort reform proposal to win a hearing has led us to believe we need a leader with more time to dedicate to the legislative process."
  Following the caucus meeting, Hobson said he would abide by the decision of his colleagues, before dropping a smoke bomb on the group and exiting the Capitol via grappling hook. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Legislator Confirmed To Be Marilyn Manson

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republicans were shocked to learn that one of their own, Rep. Tad Jones, R-Claremore, had previously fronted 90’s shock-rock band Marilyn Manson. In his rock-and-roll heyday, Manson was renown for his satanic imagery and explicit lyrics.
  The star fell from prominence in the late 90s, the victim of post-Columbine fallout and overshadowed by the rise of such provocative acts as Eminem and Creed.
 Changing his name to Tad Jones, “the most boyish, innocent-sounding name I could think of,” Manson was elected to the District 9 seat in 1998. As a performer, Manson was renown for his on-stage antics, including stunts featuring goats’ blood, blow-up dolls and strap-on dildos.

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