Sunday, August 22, 2004

Sonic Exectives Say legalizing Marijuana Would Boost Sales

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – An Oklahoma City-based restaurant chain is asking the state legislature to legalize marijuana, noting that habitual users of the drug find the company’s products “hella-tasty.” Sonic, which bills itself as “America’s Drive-In,” serves up hamburgers and hotdogs in hundreds of locations around the country. 
  Executives say the company’s products are especially popular among those with “the munchies,” a side effect of marijuana intoxication. In a presentation before the House Business and Economic Development Committee, Sonic executives said statewide legalization of the drug would boost sales throughout the industry, from McNuggets to Taco Mayo’s “bitchin’” potato locos.
  In a recent study, Sonic customers who did not use marijuana rated their food from “fair” to “excellent.” However, users with the munchies said the same products were “friggin’ awesome dude.” Habitual marijuana users, also known as “stoners,” are also less concerned with customer service. They also have little use for napkins, straws and correct change.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Tort Reform To Be Decided By Wizzing Contest

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, House Majority Leader Larry Adair, D-Stilwell and House Minority Floor Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, announced that Oklahoma lawsuit reforms would be settled through a legislative pissing contest. Tort reform has been a hot-button issue since a Wall Street Journal editorial accused Oklahoma of offering “jackpot justice.”
 The debate has deeply divided the legislature, with Republicans claiming reform is necessary to promote economic development and Democrats saying the legislation would curb the rights of the injured. “Oklahoma wants lawsuit reform, but the Democrats are blocking the process to protect their trial lawyer cohorts,” Hiett said. “We’ve offered plan after plan, only to see our proposals gutted in conference committees.” “We just hope this will shut them up,” Adair said.
 The pissing contest is a legislative procedure outlined in Article 28, Section 10 of the state constitution, in between the part that defines the ignition point of kerosene and the provisions that cover how many hours a child can work underground. It states, in part, that, “in the case of a breakdown in the political process, issues may be decided by a urinary confrontation.”

Attorney General Files Restraining Order Against Lawmaker’s Mustache

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 
  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Edddins said. 
  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne

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